i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
