I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
