I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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