In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
