bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize