just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
