it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
