how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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