You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
