how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
