I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
