Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
