Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
