your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
we're making bets on your personal life
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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