I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
