I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
