I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
