i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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