i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
