Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
