I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
