Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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