just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I came so hard my ears popped.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
