Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Can you bring me the toilet please
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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