she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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