You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
