While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
