fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Randomize
