I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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