And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
