when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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