you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
