Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
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