I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
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We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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