He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
