I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
