Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
