Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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