Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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