One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
