i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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