I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
