im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
