I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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