Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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