I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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