i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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