new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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