she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
