can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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