How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
