i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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