I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
