i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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