and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
