My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Ladies don't puke and tell
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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