She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
