I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
