i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Shame - the story of my life.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
