What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
