He is like the real live version of the state fair..
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
