Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
