I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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