Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
