someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
How naked do you want me to be?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
